害羞的孩子

欣悦

Why it happens

If your child frequently hides his head in your pant leg and resists trying new things, you've probably already concluded that he's naturally bashful. He might also be a bit anxious or restless and cry when he's faced with unfamiliar people or situations. Maybe he's a light sleeper. Perhaps he's even more sensitive than other kids to teething and illness. You may wonder where this tendency came from and whether it will last.

Most experts now believe that to a great extent a child's basic temperament is inborn — that some kids come into the world outgoing and assertive, while others are naturally bashful or reserved. This is a relatively new notion; for a long time it was believed that environment was primarily responsible for shaping a child's character. But scientists today believe they've found genes linked to shyness, fearfulness, even thrill-seeking behavior. So your child's temperament — largely a product of his neurochemistry — may predispose him to be wary of new situations and make him slow to warm up to the unfamiliar.

Before deciding that your toddler is shy, though, consider that he may be going through a shy stage brought on by separation anxiety. Here's how to tell the difference: If your child has suddenly become more cautious around strangers, or fearful of letting you out of his sight, it's probably separation anxiety, which crops up as a sudden stage right around the time most children become more mobile and independent. Almost all toddlers go through at least one episode between 7 and 18 months, and many continue to have bouts of separation anxiety until they're 3 or even older. (These may be triggered by situations like a new childcare setting, a parent going out of town, or a fear of being alone in the dark.)

If you sense that your toddler's bashfulness is more than a stage, try not to worry. The fact that he has a more introverted personality doesn't have to hold him back. He might occasionally need some special TLC from you, though.

What to do

Don't label your child as shy.
It's best not to speak about your child's timidity with others in his presence. He may hear "He's shy" as a criticism or "He's just shy" as an excuse that sets him apart from others. Instead, try saying "He takes his time to get comfortable with people he doesn't know." Try not to always think of your child as shy, either. If you expect shyness, your expectation may influence his behavior.

Be sympathetic.
Let your child know that you understand how he feels. If you walk into a roomful of toddlers at a birthday party, for example, you might say, "It's hard when all the kids are being so noisy, isn't it?" This tells him that his reaction is normal and that others might well feel the way he does.

Offer encouragement.
Any time your child reaches out to make a friend or join in an activity, praise his efforts, no matter how tentative. If you catch him flashing a bashful smile at Grandma after he's spent 15 minutes hiding in your skirt, say, "That's a nice smile. I bet that makes Grandma happy," instead of commenting on how long it took for him to say hello. Coach grandparents to be patient and to avoid pushing your child.

Don't criticize or belittle.
Nothing crushes a child's confidence faster than unkind words, even if you think you're just teasing. Remember, there's nothing to be gained from making your child feel bad for being shy. This is just how he is; it's not a trait that he can turn on and off at will.

Don't avoid social situations.
Although you may think you're making it easier for him, don't keep your child away from group activities. He may take a little longer to involve himself in a playgroup or join the table at a birthday party, but the more he's exposed to such gatherings, the more comfortable he'll become. And when you expect it to be a big gathering or party, get there early, before other children arrive, so your child will have extra time to relax and feel settled.

Find less stressful ways for your child to be social.
Choose activities that involve smaller groups and quiet or familiar environments. If the library is one of your child's favorite places, you might take him to story hour there or invite a friend to join you in a library visit.

There's no way to know whether your shy child will remain shy, but countless people have outgrown childhood bashfulness. In fact, many researchers believe that as a child grows, the influence of experience overtakes that of genetics. Ultimately, they say, only a fraction — perhaps about 10 percent — of an adult's personality is inborn. So try not to worry about the future and focus instead on providing the acceptance and support that will help your child face the world. Help him feel comfortable with himself, and the confidence you instill in him will help him succeed.